First Glimpses into the World of Cancer

A few random things I'd like to remember ...

• the "what-ifs" that came to my mind as I was waiting for the CT scan before my surgery

• What if this is the turning point for me to move more easily into the greater abundance of health I've been seeking and working for?

• What if I'm about to receive the most important message God will give me in my life?

• what came out of Steve's mouth one morning as he was answering texts while we were lying in bed..."This thing has knocked the exclamation points right outta me."

• the uncomfortable realization that I will be looked at differently by everyone I know - in Steve's words..."You might as well tattoo 'I have cancer' on your forehead" :)

• the clarifying thought that I do NOT want cancer to be the center of my life - I want to be ME having an experience of cancer (and of a lot of other things too)

• our prayer for clarity around what we need every day - and the answers - laughing, time with God, solitude, connection, breathing time, time that has nothing to do with cancer

• the early awareness that perceiving cancer as "bad" isn't helpful and won't serve me - as I said to my family, "I'm not really into battle analogies around cancer.  I'm much more about acceptance and staying as fully present as possible in the experience than I am about trying to sword fight some microscopic enemy. For me, resistance breeds more fear and grief and anger (and cancer) not less."  

• the impression that my body was weeping as I bled for two weeks following surgery - and the moments when I thanked the parts of me that are gone now and let them go with love and gratitude

• the recurring thought that I'm heading into "pregnancy" of another kind - that I will be letting old things go and birthing something new out of this experience