First Glimpses into the World of Cancer
A few random things I'd like to remember ...
the "what-ifs" that came to my mind as I was waiting for the CT scan before my surgery
What if this is the turning point for me to move more easily into the greater abundance of health I've been seeking and working for?
What if I'm about to receive the most important message God will give me in my life?
what came out of Steve's mouth one morning as he was answering texts while we were lying in bed..."This thing has knocked the exclamation points right outta me."
the uncomfortable realization that I will be looked at differently by everyone I know - in Steve's words..."You might as well tattoo 'I have cancer' on your forehead" :)
the clarifying thought that I do NOT want cancer to be the center of my life - I want to be ME having an experience of cancer (and of a lot of other things too)
our prayer for clarity around what we need every day - and the answers - laughing, time with God, solitude, connection, breathing time, time that has nothing to do with cancer
the early awareness that perceiving cancer as "bad" isn't helpful and won't serve me - as I said to my family, "I'm not really into battle analogies around cancer. I'm much more about acceptance and staying as fully present as possible in the experience than I am about trying to sword fight some microscopic enemy. For me, resistance breeds more fear and grief and anger (and cancer) not less."
the impression that my body was weeping as I bled for two weeks following surgery - and the moments when I thanked the parts of me that are gone now and let them go with love and gratitude
the recurring thought that I'm heading into "pregnancy" of another kind - that I will be letting old things go and birthing something new out of this experience